Zombie Apocalypse to Fail in PHILIPPINES

Ako si Isko

The zombies are coming!

The world is on a countdown. A zombie apocalypse is imminent.  News is all over the net. The exact time, place and cause remains a mystery but it’s bound to happen. When it does, the zombie apocalypse will plague the world like wildfire.

Well, for the rest of the world maybe.

There’s no question whether a zombie apocalypse will happen but surely, it’ll fail in the Philippines. Why would a zombie apocalypse fail in the Philippines?

1. the extremely hot weather – zombies are reanimated dead corpses. How they’re reanimated varies. Still, they’re dead bodies. Dead bodies can’t regenerate like living bodies. They undergo decomposition overtime. The rate of decomposition varies on several factors, one of which is heat. The Philippines only has 2 seasons: the wet and the dry. During the dry season, it can get really hot and humid. Zombies will rot at an even faster rate than they would if they were in places with colder climates. They’ll dry out like prunes or fish out in the sun. Also, presuming that zombiesm is caused by a bacteria, fungi or virus, the causative agent would die out during the heat.
2. the raging typhoons – the Philippines’ wet season isn’t wet all the time. It’s an alternate between really hot and really stormy because of typhoons. The typhoons need to gather power before unleashing its tremendous fury. When it’s really stormy, wind speeds can get as strong a hundred and forty miles per hour. It’s strong enough to uproot trees and disembody shambling corpses on the streets. Floods would also be a problem for zombies. There’s a strong debate whether zombies can survive underwater and whether or not they can swim. Popular opinion is that first they’ll bloat. Then, they’ll float. Then, they’ll sink.
3. the 7,107 islands – the Philippine geography is strategic in many ways. Zombies would have to know how to swim to reach people safely at home in an island. Even if zombies could swim (though many say they can’t) they had to battle harsh waves and predatory fishes in the waters.
4. the large number of armed gunmen – the Philippines is home to the most caring and hardy of people. Unfortunately, it’s also home to the most violent and trigger happy. Conflicts are everywhere. Sometimes, they end in bloodshed. Perhaps there’s something good about the imminent zombie apocalypse. The Armed Forces of the Philippines and the many armed rebel groups can band together and focus their energies on killing zombies instead of killing each other.
5. the large number of nurses – about 23% of the world’s nurses come from the Philippines. Every year, about a hundred thousand graduate and tens of thousands pass the local licensure examination. They’re caring, resourceful and critical thinking. Makeshift enema anyone? Their knowledge of the human anatomy, microbiology, pharmacology, community health practices, psychology and the internet make them very indispensable. With their vast area of knowledge couple with the Pinoy survival instinct, nurses are zombie apocalypse survival experts and a lot of them are not even in hospitals. Nurses can also use guns and different melee weapons if necessary. While Florence Nightingale was known for being in the Crimean War, Filipino nurses will be known not only for their world-class skills in caring but also in fighting hordes of zombies.
   

   Michelle D. Limpin, RN, the Zombie Bane

6. the Pinoy survival instinct – every Filipino is born a natural survivalist. They can make do of whatever they have and make the most of it. When life gets tough, Filipinos get tougher.
7. the abundance of natural resources – fighting off zombies and surviving only becomes a hard task because of scarcity of resources. That won’t be much of a problem in the Philippines. A single coconut tree alone can feed an entire family. It’s uses are also diverse since each part of the coconut tree can be used from the roots to tip of the leaves. The soil is fertile just about anywhere. Any small lot can be a bountiful vegetable garden all throughout the year. Water can be found everywhere especially underground. Surviving will be easy for the people in the Philippines and especially hard for the zombies who have to chase around well fed, well sheltered, well hydrated healthy meat bags.
8. the Pinoy love for laughs – where else can people see a race so resilient and optimistic that even in their darkest hours, they never fail to laugh. When Pedring struck and devastated most of Luzon, the Filipinos grieved for a while but they turned to laughter and smiled, thankful they’re still alive. A zombie apocalypse won’t be like any other calamity. Still, rest assured, while everyone else in the world is going mad and turning to mass suicide and homicide, the Filipinos will be found laughing and singing the ever favorite, My Way their way. With Filipinos, surviving the zombie apocalypse can prove to be an enjoyable experience.
9. the Large number of unemployed – with a lack of better things to do, killing zombies and surviving can be a full-time occupation for many. Despite the occupational hazards, its great opportunity for Filipinos to earn a quick piso. Need somebody to barricade the fortress? Need farmers and cleaners? How about somebody to scout? Filipinos are jack of all trades and master of all. Before everyone will know it, everyone will be earning and zombies will be over-hunted until they become a thing of the afterlife.

Despite the reasons above, it’s still best to be ready. A zombie apocalypse will reach the Philippines. It will fail miserably in due time but survivors still need to hold out for as long as they can.

yes zombified Uncle Sam, the Philippines is ready!

The future brings uncertainties. A prudent person would do best by preparing for the worst!

Happy Halloween