Singles’ Survival Guide

14 May

With almost seven billion people on earth, you still find yourself single.

You laugh at the enormous joke the cosmos is playing on you.

You figured, there must be somebody out there for you.

It just so happens you haven’t really met that person yet.

Your patience is growing thinner while your libido is overflowing.

You ask yourself how on earth will you keep on living.

… how will you be able to bear much more of the torment of being single from conception to the end of your teenhood.

Your loneliness is consuming you.

Luckily, you found this blog written by a twenteensomething year old who managed to survive a whopping over two decades of life without any close and lasting intimate interpersonal relationship.

What stroke of luck. You read the following tips on surviving life with zero intimacy.

  1. You read you have to read lots of books preferably about suspense, thriller, horror, and murder. Gruesome as it may sound, you have to keep your mind off love. Romance novels won’t help because they’ll only feed your desires to be loved. Erotic books will increase your libido which will in turn consume you whole making you even more desperate.
  2. You read you have to spend a lot of time with friends. They’re life’s emotional scapegoats. At times, they’re murderers of romantic ideas. They will provide company whenever you need it as long as they’re not trapped inside an impenetrable bubble of disgusting love (which you need to burst at times to be a good friend to them in turn).
  3. You read you have to learn new things. Learning is fun. It keeps your head working. When your head is working, you forget about the less trivial matters in life such as loneliness, isolation, despair and pain.
  4. You read you have to constantly find new hobbies because of your insatiable and ever growing hunger to distract yourself.
  5. You read you have to work twice as hard as anyone else. After all, you don’t have anyone else to be there for you. In addition, working hard equates to peaceful sleep at night. You avoid lying in bed unable to sleep with thoughts rushing in your head.
  6. You read you have to exercise. You read a very long discussion on how exercise affects the body, endorphines and stuff. You then understand that endorphines give out a sensation of being in a state of happiness. When you exercise, you don’t feel sad. When you’re happy, you won’t need anyone.
  7. You read you have to focus your energies on accomplishing things you need to do as previously mentioned.
  8. You read you have to travel to different places while avoiding lovers’ hot spots.
  9. You read you have to avoid stalking people. You have to understand, it’s a bad habit you’re doing. You like someone in Facebook? Forget about it. Consistently liking every post will not make that person love you. Asking perverted questions anonymously will not make that person yours. Honestly, it’s creepy.
  10. You read you have to create an imaginary lover. It’s the next best thing to a real one.
  11. You read you have to make yourself feel how lucky you really are. You’re not burdened of having to be with someone for most of your waking time. You don’t receive cheesy, persistent and perverted messages. Nobody cares what you’re doing at any given moment. You have the luxury of staying at home reading and posting blogs. You get to have a lot of time for yourself. You can focus on your own career plans in life.
  12. You read you have to love yourself. Love yourself without compare. Love yourself beyond anything or anyone. After all, unless you are overflowing with love, you can’t share love and you won’t be loved.

Basically, as you scroll over you realize how silly and repetitive the list was.

Still you continued on because apparently, you’re desperate and deep down you’re hurting.

After a few minutes, you get the gist of what you’ve read. You realize what you have to do.

You have to keep on living your life despite the fact nobody wants to have any kind of intimacy with you.

You understood that you have to keep yourself busy so as to distract you from ideas or prospects of ever having a love life.

You realize you have to love yourself a whole lot because nobody else will.

… at least for the time being.

Surprisingly, you found what you’ve read to be pretty helpful.

You go on with life with a renewed joy and hope for the future.

… and you decided to share what you’ve read to your friends with hopes they’ll find it useful too.

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3 Responses to “Singles’ Survival Guide”

  1. Joanna Langada 09/10/2011 at 2:11 am #

    What a wonderful piece! Hyper focusing on work and other activities are certainly ways to avoid intimacy…people do it all the time, and those of us who do not, are usually blamed for dwelling entirely too much on issues related to relationships, on wanting to create personal happiness that involves intimacy, and on needing that. I hear it all the time…”it’s ok to be alone”. Yes it is, we all need alone time and privacy and space, but that’s not the point is it, and alone isn’t the same thing as being self-sufficient enough to function, enjoying life even in the absence of a partner.

  2. Mylz R. 01/31/2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Sus. You had intimite moments na uy! You even kissed some PEOPLE even if they were not your girlfriends. Hahaha. So be happy, angat ka pa rin sa iba. HAHA. And don’t forget my fearless forecast this year. :)

    • Isko 01/31/2012 at 3:01 pm #

      LOL.

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